Cult Spy: Phobia Corner 3 - Kebabs
Published Mar 24 2007, 11:44 GMT | By Ben Rawson-Jones The Phobia:
Red Dwarf - 'Polymorph' (1989)
The usual fear stemming from kebabs reolves around their effect on the waistline. The poor little chunks of meat can be unfairly scapegoated, as their consumption is usually preceeded by a calorie-packed beer guzzling session. Still, they always seem a good idea at the time, even if the taste lingers the next morning in your mouth and your shoes are doused with chilli sauce that has seeped out of the structurally impaired pitta bread that fell apart as soon as you picked it up. Happens every time.
Avid viewers of Red Dwarf
from its heyday back in 1989 may not be so keen to indulge though. For during a memorable moment of the episode 'Polymorph', an evil, shapeshifting alien disguises itself as Dave Lister's shami kebab... with unappetising and near fatal effects.
As the spoken prologue to the episode tells us - "It feeds off the human psyche, seeks out the deranged, the unbalanced and the emotionally crippled". With the Tory Party Conference presumably out of the question, the little critter chose to target the crew of Red Dwarf instead.
The culinary endeavours all started so promisingly for Lister - the last surviving human - when he concocted his devilish recipe for 'Shami Kebab Diablo'. Liberally pouring on the chilli powder and then loading up a massive syringe used for artificially inseminating cows for the lemon juice, all was going to plan for his festering feast.
But out of nowhere, an innocent looking basketball - the disguised Polymorph - comes bouncing into Lister's quarters as he prepares to tuck in. He goes to briefly investigate and upon returning, turns his attention back to the log-shaped kebab sitting on his plate next to the mandatory bed of lettuce. This is no ordinary kebab though, as we soon find out.
A quick sprinkling of pepper elicits some sniffling from the meat, but Lister doesn't believe his ears. As he poises his spatula over the kebab he's about to devour, it starts to writhe around on the plate and suddenly leaps onto the earthling's neck.
"My kebab's trying to kill me!" he screams from the floor, before he manages to yank off the murderous Middle Eastern cuisine. The extraterrestrial scuttles away, soon to emerge as a pair of Lister's underpants, but thankfully not edible ones... Your next clue can be found in an edition of Weekend Spy involving food.
Now you'll know why the boys from The Dwarf will always take the falafel option late at night. You never know quite what's lurking within that kebab meat...Next week:The Phobia:
To read previous editions of Phobia Corner, click here